Women’s magazines continue to be wonderful publications full of great tips, provocative articles, and made-up sex positions that could cripple the most flexible woman. Their articles about dealing with men, written by a 7th grade girl with raging hormones, dispense phenomenal advice for how to snag a man, satisfy him in bed, and make him fall in love with you. And by phenomenal I mean, what are they talking about? Human men? If women actually took this advice we would repel all men and turn into cat ladies before we turned 30.
1 You’re craving acrobatic sex
Magazines claims that our boyfriends are bored in bed and it’s our responsibility to turn up the heat by trying a few new tricks in bed. And by tricks they mean pulling out our Cirque du Soleil skills and doing moves on men calling things like the “singing octopus” and the “bipolar monkey.” Note to magazine editors: Try writing about sex positions that already exist rather than just pairing up random animals and adjectives and praying the readers knows how to fill in the blanks.
2 We can trick you into relationships
According to these magazines all men are commitment phobic and would prefer getting monthly back waxes over talking about “relationships.” As women its our job to convince you through underhanded planning and deceitful activities that you actually do want to be our boyfriend. If everything goes according to the magazine’s plan, we’ll be married with 6 kids without ever having to have the “where is this relationship going” talk.
3 You’re intimidated by our success
The articles sends out all kinds of confusing signals about how we’re supposed to act around you. On on hand you really like us, on the other hand you’re scared shitless we’re going to out-do you. We should have a good job, but not better than yours. We should be funny, but under no circumstance funnier than you. And finally we should be smart, but always let you feel like you’re teaching us something. So basically we should be lower-level executives who can tell a decent knock-knock joke while simultaneously asking you to explain the joke’s punch line to us.
4 You like us natural AND with make-up
Every other week these magazines take a poll asking men if they like women wearing make-up or going natural. And in every other survey the results change. So we don’t know if we should burn all our mascara in a giant go-natural-bonfire or run out to Costco and buy a year’s supply of neon blue eyeshadow. We’re stuck leaving half our face completely make-up free and doing the other half of our face up like a drag queen in training.
5 We should like sports, but not more than you
These magazines claims all men love sports and they love a girl who gets sports. However men are extremely turned off by women yelling at the players on TV louder than they can. It’s basically ideal if we show up to watch the game wearing a sexy jersey, agree with you every time you get mad about a play, and know the difference between footballs, basketballs, and blue balls.
6 Body Language is a Science
Magazines loves consulting body language experts to analyze a couple’s relationship simply by their stance. On one hand, it’s truly amazing people can get paid to say things like “her arm is at a right angle which means she wants him to mow the lawn tomorrow.” On the other hand, it’s a less legitimate theory than creationism. Sure if a girl is slapping a guy, I’ll buy that her body language is saying she’s not happy with him. But it’s insane for women to start looking at the way their boyfriend hugs them to determine if he’s feeling confident in his bedroom skills.
7 You will have sex anywhere, anytime, with anyone
These magazines want us to believe that while we have a fully functioning brain that’s capable of thinking about a span of different topics throughout the day, men can’t focus on anything for more than 2 seconds without thinking about sex. In fact this problem is so bad that it’s becoming a routine part of marriage for men to sleep with 17 assorted women/anything-with-holes and then go to sex rehab.
